happy birthday, john

another year older, another year wiser

now i’m right here, and i’m right now
and i’m open, knowing somehow that my shadows days are over.

it's not like me to choke. okay. that's a lie. choking up is practically step number one for me in most situations. over the years i've learned to move past that phase and utilize sheer willpower into being my fuel that claws me out of such dark holes. i guess that is what growing up is all about, eh? learning how to rise above that debilitating internal noise that feeds fear and insecurity into a psyche. i still choke, but i push past it. i'm choking right now. ironically it feels like the first time i ever formally met you. where i have a billion things i want to tell you, about how much you mean to me and how incredible i think you are, but every word rolling around on my tongue doesn't sound good enough. no words do it justice. then i just feel overwhelmed because my brain is scrolling through every fucking word i've learned throughout my life, and nothing...nothing fits. i have been thinking about this post for awhile. i wanted to give you something you could put in your back pocket when you're having a bad day, to remind you how much you're loved and how highly you're thought of, but no word feels justifying enough. so i'm sorry that languages fail us right now, but like every other choking period of my adult life i'm gonna power through and pray that this doesn't end up a jumbled mess for you.

i think the world of you. i always have. and i never found a part of you that i didn't think the world of. through the ups and downs of life you have always been someone i admired. not just in a musical sense, but in a human sense. you have this amazing balance of composure and lightheartedness that i strive to have. a zest for life, to not take yourself too seriously, but a real respect for the craft that's taken ahold of your heart at a young age. you've been through so much shit, but you've came out on the other side of it and you still find the humor to make a crazy face in the glass of a family portrait. that's fucking admirable, and your strength is one of your most attractive attributes. you're the man of my dreams and no other could possibly deter my attention away from you. i always wanted more with you. the path i've had with you has been so fulfilling in every sense of the world that it's impossible to keep my greedy side at bay. i wanted to be your colleague, your equal. i got that. i wanted to be your friend. i got that. i wanted to be a good friend. i got that. i got your phone number and invited to your house. i loved it. so much that i wanted more. whenever i went to you in ohio i wanted more, and i think you knew that. you blew my world open and everything about that trip was amazing. i'd never been more satisfied or content in my life, and i knew that i needed to keep you on the hook for as long as i possibly could. naturally, i ended up wanting more. which is where we're at now. boyfriend status, yikes;) i've enjoyed every evolution of our relationship, but i have to say that this is my favorite. you welcomed me into your life, you welcomed my family into your life. we get to know and be with each other on an entirely new and different level than before and i really love that. i love sharing that with you, and i don't want it to stop.

you say it's just a birthday. it's much more than that. i don't remember days without you in them, and i don't want to remember them. a birthday is a celebration, or at the very least an acknowledgement, that you're still here and present. without this day i wouldn't have had my inspiration to play guitar and i wouldn't have found my passion. i wouldn't have had my idol to fulfill aspirations and base my own dreams and goals off of. i wouldn't have your music to put on after a long day to unwind and calm down to. i wouldn't have that spark of excitement when i see a message waiting for me from you. so pure and so untouchable by anything else in this world. i wouldn't have my happiness. i wouldn't have love and companionship and a feeling that someone finally understands me fully in ways no friend or family member could. i wouldn't know that love could be this easy. i wouldn't know that intimacy could feel this fucking good. i wouldn't have the insight and advice to carry me safely through adulthood and a dangerous industry that would be fine in milking you dry for a dollar. worst of all i wouldn't have you. when i think about your birthday i think of how meaningful it is, because it's the day that gave you life and it's the marker of another year of life touching other lives you come into contact with. it's why i couldn't simply just shrug the day off. it's why i will annoyingly remind you and wish you happy birthday until i'm blue in the face all day. i'm happy and so thankful for it for giving me you, because without you'd truly be lost. you're everything i needed when i didn't know what i needed to begin with.

which is why we need to relish this day. we need to relish you. because thinking of you, spoiling you, worshipping you is truly where my happy place is. so we'll get shitfaced and how a ton of sex in a fancy house that has a fucking pool in the middle of it. we'll have blackbird donuts every morning, and take so many home for midnight snacks. i found an abandoned carnival/park that we can go visit and take artsy fartsy pictures at. once it gets dark it gets lit up and transformed into a 'haunted' carnival with various lantern tours through it. i got us tickets for the skywalk observatory. i have dinner restaurants at multiple resturants; one being a sushi place, one being a harbor place, and another being a fancy place downtown. there's an apple cider festival where we can get hot toddys and funnel cakes. and a vintage guitar store i found that would be a sin if we didn't check out before we left. i am looking forward to spending our time here and hearing your growl when it's gift giving time.

happy birthday, john. i hope you have a wonderful day and know that i'm very grateful for you and your day. i love you, very much. more than i ever thought i could love anything. more than i love myself.