june, 2019



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i have always wanted you. it had been an underlying feeling through most of our friendship. i'm pretty convinced that it was there even before i knew it was there. before i even knew what it was. it was easy to let fanboy-ism become convoluted with what real feelings and attachments were. for so long i mistaken them for the same thing. your song would come on in a shop or a cafe and i would stop and smile at it. i would let the sound of your voice chase away all mental woes and worldly distractions. i would get lost in you. that was the foundation in which i had to build from. you had such a power on my life before we even met. that had been my norm. when we were introduced and i was able to build a friendship with you that happiness you had once supplied me only got more personal and more potent. you were my greatest savior from the beginning.

when i sat on the airplane that was destined for ohio, i never thought i'd get to have you. i especially didn't think that i'd gete to continue to have you a year later, and i never in my wildest dreams imagined that i would get to have you for the rest of my life. i remember sitting and staring out of the plane with anxiety levels threatening to spike higher than the clouds over the missed chance i continued to go to bed with. a missed chance to divulge to you a secret, an admittance, a kiss. the more time we spent together the more i had the itch to share all of them with you. but i chickened out each time. an insecure little shit that felt it more important to keep a cool exterior than to lean over and kiss you. a paranoid bitch that was convinced that i would fuck it up somehow even though you've always been kind and supportive and guiding to me. the unknown was terrifying. it always it, but especially when it involved you. i never wanted to ruin anything we built up, and the idea of losing all of you was my biggest fear. i remember asking myself "what are you hoping to get out of this trip? why fly all this way? for what, another guitar session?" no. it can't just be a guitar session. it can't just be a creative outlet. it has to be something more and it was terrifying. but it was more terrifying to think about if i didn't. i wanted to see you. i had missed you by the time i bought plane tickets to ohio. "ohio? what's in ohio?" andrew asked me. i replied with everything. he didn't know at the time that i was going to see you. no one did. what i wanted out of that trip was you. i wouldn't admit it at the time, but i wanted all of you and i knew it that day. i tried to play it casual at the beginning because i didn't want any pressure between us, but the truth is...i knew i wanted to be yours and i wanted you to be mine that day on the plane ride there. not after we slept together, not after you scared me shitless and honked the horn at me, not after a few days together...before i even landed. this is what i hoped for to have you that day and to get to have you a year later, and i can't fucking believe i am lucky enough to have gotten that wish.

we have a year full of memories that i cherish. we made promises to each other to have many more years worth of memories which has made me no joke the happiest man alive. life with you is wild, john. it's such an adventure. it's the most fearless i've ever felt because you make me feel safe, supported, and loved. i could fall or fail or have a horrible day, and i turn around and you're there to make me laugh, hold me close, and tell me everything's alright. you make me feel invincible which is something i never thought i'd feel with all the hesitations and anxiety i've grown up with. you spent the last year taking care of me and giving me thoughtful surprises, endlessly entertaining conversations, and a presence which has been everything and more that i could ask for out of a relationship. i love you. i have never loved anything more than you and i still feel that strongly now as i did the first point in time that i realized that i love you. if anything it's stronger than it was before, because i'm gaining more days of reason to love you. every inch of you, every piece of you i love. i have never wanted anyone more than i want you, and that too grows stronger by the day. which means you're in fucking trouble if you're expecting my sex drive to level out one day. it's not going to. i'm forever hungry for you and always eager to indulge in you.

i love you. i appreciate you. i respect you. you mean everything to me. i love our home together and our life together. i love that i can be this sappy and then have a sass war with you over dinner. we're two sides of a coin- different but so much alike. we need each other and we belong together. i would trade this for anything and i'm going to protect this and you above everything else. because you are my world, this is my everything, and i can't fucking believe i have it. you have given me everything and you continue to make me the happiest i have evere been day in and day out. happy anniversary, my love. i hope you know that i've enjoyed every day of it so much and that i look forward to all the future days to come with you. i'll always be yours, i'll always be here, and i'll never stop loving you.

the truth is...you've always had me and i'll always need you.

-love,
shawn